Chapter 1 - Historical Grind

 

Only I don’t smoke, so just coffee.  And I don’t have mine over a conversation with Rza, Gza and Bill Murray.  With that in mind, I do enjoy me a daily cup of Joe.  The sweet, sweet bean juice, that keeps you regular while getting your day started with a nice jolt of caffeine.  The smell alone is enough to get me on the road to functioning in the morning.  From Starbucks to your secret, dingy, hole-in-the-wall coffee shop.  Coffee culture is vast and very diverse.  Besides black gold Texas tea, its the most valuable commodity legally traded in the world.  IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD.  

 

Rumored to have been discovered by a boy in Ethiopia, after eating the red berries of the coffee plant, a monk noticed the boys strange reaction (caffeine high), and tried it for himself.  After sharing this discovery with other monks, it didn’t take long before these berries were made into snack bars.  Traveling to Arabia, where modern roasted coffee originated as we know it.  The 13th century saw coffee brewed for the first time by boiling the beans and parching them, rendering the beans infertile.  The Arabs had cornered the market on this new valuable commodity.  So much so, in fact, that not a single coffee plant was said to have existed outside of Arabia or Africa until the 1600’s.  Eventually, fertile beans were snuck out, and the rest of the world soon started growing their own coffee.  In the United States, it wasn’t until the Boston Tea Party of 1773, that it was ones patriotic duty to switch from tea to coffee.  A nice middle finger to England at the time.  

 

Fast forward to modern times and we have a million and one ways to consume this ancient beverage.  Be it the standard cup of coffee, to food, to blending any possible array of ingredients to your morning cup, the options are endless.  This Multi-use commodity has created a modern culture and almost cult like following in some circles.  Quite remarkable considering its simplicity.  

 

Chapter 2 - Pretentious Much

 

Now, as much coffee as I drink, love different kinds, and sometimes criticize henceforth.  I wouldn’t call myself a coffee snob by any means.  I don’t own a cupping spoon, nor have been to a cupping for that matter.  Reading/writing coffee blogs seems about as fun as a root canal.  I don’t shit on people for their favorite brand of coffee.  I don’t travel with my coffee supplies.  Given the choice between Starbucks and water, I will, nine times out of ten get the Bucks.  ‘Cause well, I love/need me some coffee regardless of the source.  I’ve heard of Geisha, but, meh; its still coffee.  I keep it simple and traditional, Espresso or a Regular Ass cup of coffee.  

 

I do, however; own my own burr grinder, make either a pour over or a french press in the morning.  I use whatever coffee I happen to be using.  Sometimes it's the emergency bag from the grocery store, or I get with it and remember to buy a bag from Temple Coffee Roasters in Sacramento (seriously good coffee).  I know enough to know that I like earthy coffees.  Seriously, if someone could serve me a medium roast with a twig sticking out of it and enough sediment in it that I need to stir it with the twig, I’d be in heaven.  I think a really dank cup of Four Barrel coffee.  

 

All in all, I’m miles away from knowing and caring as much as coffee elitists.  I’d say I’m an enthusiast at best.

 

Chapter 3 - Macabre

 

Now what is the point of all of this?  I have spent a bit of time here describing coffee, who I am as a coffee drinker, how that compares to the coffee snob.  But, why?  To the untrained eye this, up until now, could be viewed as a “okay, coffee snobs are dumb, just shut up and drink your coffee, be more like me” kind of post.  But, oh no, friends.  This is much deeper.  See, I appreciate the coffee snob.  I think its rad as hell.  Its just not my thing to be that into it.  Kudos, keep on, keeping on with your passion for coffee.  I commend you!  I also appreciate the person who casually scoops a spoonful of Folders into their Walmart Special coffee maker every morning.  Those trying to start their day with something warm and caffeinated in their cup.  Whom could give a fuck less about brands, fancy titles, the temperature of their water and the coarseness of the grind.  They love their particular cup of joe, and that's rad, too!  Or the middle ground people, like myself, who appreciate certain processes, and aspects of coffee, on a basic level.  But, realize that at the end of the day, its just a cup of coffee and you don’t always have time for the foreplay involved.  Quickies are fun and sometimes you just gotta…  Well, you get the point.  

 

No, this is an entirely selfish post.  My point to all of this, is to describe a flaw.  Nay!  A bastardized mutant of the coffee world.  One that should be handled with caution, and avoided at all costs.  One that I feel needs to be put down for its own good.  That, people, is what I like to call: The Soccer Mom Special.  Oh, you know it well.  The person in the Starbucks line ordering the Tall, but in a Grande cup, sweetened light roast, triple pump blah blah blah, with half soy milk, half half and half, two packets of Splenda, light ice, one sprinkle of cinnamon, and should be brewed not greater than 201 degrees fahrenheit.  PLEASE, JUST STOP.  Go back to Jamba Juice, its clear that you don’t like coffee.  In fact, you could probably remove the ingredient of coffee all together, and I’d bet a years salary, it would taste the same.  My god, have some decency and at least pretend to like coffee.  Just order a vanilla latte, or a cappuccino, lest you verbally defecate this obscene order in the direction of some poor barista.  Seriously, I have seen people nearly come to tears trying to make sense of your order.  Just go home and throw a snickers in your blender with some half and half, its not far off.  At the very least, can we get two lines at Starbucks.  One for your train wreck cup of a poor life decision, and one for the guy who actually likes coffee and just wants a Regular Ass Cup!?!  You know, the one thats just black coffee, with no room for cream, because we actually like the taste!  Maybe I’m the issue, and am close minded about what coffee is anymore.  Maybe, I’m the asshole who is late for work, and doesn’t have time to stand in line while your wet dream of a beverage is painstakingly crafted by someone who clearly wants to hurl a tamper in your general direction… I could be wrong.

 

 

…maybe.