What a first round, eh? (hockey writers are contractually obligated to use as many “eh’s” in hockey posts as they can, eh.) Let’s try and wrap these up quickly and move on to my next amazing predicitons. Get your money out, call your bookie, but remember, these tips ain’t free. I charge a fee and that fee is 13 dollars. Thank you in advance. Once again, we're ranking in terms of interest.

 

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

 

Caps beat the Isles in 7 (I predicted Caps in 6); Rangers beat the Pens in 5 (I predicted they’d win in 6).

 

BOOOOORRRRRINGGGGG. Everyone wanted the Isles and Rangers, but the hockey gods hate happiness and fun. That’s why Gary Bettman is still the commissioner of the NHL. This should be an alright series, in so far as most NHL playoffs series are alright series, but I just can’t work up the interest. Especially knowing that there is some alternate universe where the Isles and Rangers are racking up penalty minutes, goals and bitter hatred. That series might not have been that great because King Lundqvuist would probably eat the Isles alive, (the Islanders forwards had 3 shots in Game 7!!! THREE!!! The whole team had 11!!!) but you know the animosity would have been enjoyable. Or at least it would be if you’re a fan of “big boy hockey” as I am.

 

Rangers in 5.

 

Tampa Bay Lightning or Detroit Red Wings vs Montreal Canadiens

 

Lightning are playing the Wings in game 7 tonight (I picked Lightning in 5); Canadiens beat the Sens in 6 (I picked the Habs in 6).

 

Damn game 7, messing up my deadline here, but let’s write up a little something for both teams.

 

The Red Wings will NOT LEAVE ME ALONE! What do I have to do to get away from this team? Never watch the NHL again? You know, now that you mention it, that might not be the worst idea… The Wings will be without Niklas Kronwall tonight because he jump slammed his ass into poor Nikita Kucherov's chest in game 6. The suspension might seem harsh to you, but you should know Kronwall is a jackass and deserves it. I have no problem with his hitting style, but answer the god damn bell once in a while, eh? (There’s another one!) They’ll also be without Marek Zidlicky, who has an incredible name. So the Lightning should win this one, right? Not so fast!

 

Detroit Red Wings vs Montreal Canadiens

 

This series will be full of “history” and constant shots of Gordie Howe. Plus lots of talk about Jean Béliveau, even more about his Widow and her relationship with P.K. Subban. This one will probably be my least watched, least favorite series, but the game 7 tonight bumped it up.

 

Habs in 6.

 

Tampa Bay Lightning vs Montreal Canadiens

 

Steven Stamkos read my post from round 1 and decided he was going to be hot garbage all last series, apparently. Can he turn it around against Carey Price, a.k.a. “If Jesus played goal he'd look up to Carey Price”? I just made that nickname up. But that dude has been lights out. I don't care for either of these series, but watching Price is always fun. Guy is a machine. Watching Stamkos play is usually fun. Maybe he can bounce back. But I'm siding with Price.

 

Habs in 7.

 

Anaheim Ducks vs Calgary Flames

 

Ducks beat the Jets in 4 (I picked Ducks in 6); Flames beat the Canucks in 6 (I picked the 'Nucks in 5).

 

Another series I don't really care for. The Ducks are huge and tough, the Flames are still “bad” yet winning. No one knows anything about anything. The Flames probably shouldn't even be in the playoffs and here they are, in the second round. I have this sick feeling that the Ducks could sweep again, but the cool thing about that is the Hawks can be the underdog in the Conference Final and everyone loves an underdog! What's that? You caught what I did there? Let's just move on to the next section then, shall we?

 

Ducks in 5.

 

YOUR Chicago Blackhawks!!!!! vs Minnesota Wild

 

Hawks beat the Preds in 6 (I said Hawks in 6); WIld beat the choking Blues in 6 (I picked Blues in 5 to piss you off). 

 

Gross. Gross, gross, gross, gross. This is the worst possible outcome for me. The Wild cut through the Blues like Michonne's samurai sword in The Walking Dead. They're hot, still, somehow, and it's all fucking “the Wild are going to win” blah, blah, blah from my "friends". If the Wild win, I'm moving away and never talking to any of you again.

 

Here's the worst thing about Wild “fans”: They will try and run me down this whole series, but here's the kicker... they're playing with house money! You don't give one shit if the Wild lose. You've watched 2 periods all year, but now you're the biggest fan ever. Quick! Name 3 players other than Cullen and Parise. Go ahead. I'll wait. But no Google! So here's a big ol' preemptive 'go fuck yourself' for all you “fans” out there who couldn't bother to tune in even though you live in the Wild's broadcast area. 'Hey, Taylor, I hope you're miserable for the whole series and then a day or two afterwards! I like you, but this is my idea of playful banter because I am secretly an ass!'

 

That's enough of that. Let's talk hockey! (Let's talk about some good guys, let's talk about the troops!) The Blackhawks got through the Predators, but it wasn't easy. 5 overtime periods, missed calls, close calls, a hurt Shea Weber and numerous Hawks goalie switches. Corey Crawford played like ass, then got pulled, Scott Darling played lights out, won the job, played like ass, Crawford came back in and it's his net to lose now. All the stars showed up for the Hawks and now it's up to the depth to make them even more dangerous. Look for Teuvo Teräväinen to make an impact. He's in for Kris Versteeg in game 1... but who knows if he'll be in for game 2. If he is, it means he's played well. If he plays well, the 3rd line played well and that bodes really well for the Hawks. Bryan Bickell feasts upon the Wild, usually, so now would be a great time for him to step up and pretend he's a good hockey player.

 

I have nothing to say about the Wild. You're a huge fan, right? You should know all you need to know about them.

 

Was that too snarky? Whatever. I know there are real Wild fans out there and you know I'm not talking to you.

 

Fuck the Wild, fuck Dubnyk and fuck the “Let's Play Hockey” bullshit before the games. Enjoy another 2nd round out, Minnesota. Maybe next year.

 

Hawks in 7. (and I'm on the verge of throwing up the whole god damn time, eh! Last one!)