Start growing your beards (or, if you're like me, you should have started a few weeks early), boys, it's fucking playoff time!

 

The Stanley Cup playoffs are the best thing in sports. Disagree with me and you will be very, very wrong. If you can't get into playoff hockey, you should start watching some dumb ass sport like the NBA and get away from me forever. Okay, so maybe that's a bit much, but that's okay. This is an irrational time in our lives and that irrationality is leading to some awesome playoff hockey! I've never written about hockey before, save for a quick blurb in the last grab bag, but the playoffs start tonight, and, even though I'm not qualified, I'm going to start now. I don't know anything about the Eastern Conference and I am SUPER biased, but what the hell, right? Let's break this shit down. We're starting with the least interesting matchup (to me) and finishing with the most interesting (to me).

 

Quick sidenote: the seeding for the playoffs in the NHL has kind of gotten stupid recently, so I thought I should explain it a little first. Alright, there are 4 divisions, the number 1 seed plays the wild card from their division, however, this year the Central Division was so stacked that they claimed both wild card spots. So, the Minnesota Wild and the Winnipeg Jets are the wild card teams for the West.

 

The St. Louis Blues (the Central's number 1 seed) play the Wild (the 1st wild card) and the Anaheim Ducks (the Pacific's number 1 seed) play the Jets (the 2nd wild card team), even though the Jets and the Wild are from the same division. Got it? I know, it's awful. Couple that with the fact that in the NHL you can get a point for losing in a shootout (it's the third number in the records you will see after each team) and you have a pretty convoluted system. But all that stupidity fades away when the games actually start because, like I said, playoff hockey is the greatest. Let's get to it.

 

Tampa Bay Lightning (2 seed: 50-24-8) vs Detroit Red Wings (4 seed: 43-25-14)

 

The Red Wings are the team that will not get out of my life. They've made the playoffs for 24 straight years. TWENTY FOUR. I was the 3 when this streak started. In an age with forced “parity”, that is absolutely incredible. But I still hate them from when they were in the Blackhawks division and the Lightning have Stamkos. I saw Steven Stamkos play in person and, sure, it was against the worst team in the NHL, the Buffalo Sabres, but he's absolutely electric in person. Every time the puck even angled towards him, you think it's going in the net. He had 43 goals this year and he's one of the premier scorers in the league. Couple that with the fact that Jimmy Howard, the Red Wings goaltender, is having a mediocre stretch run and I'm thinking this one is over sooner than later.

 

Lightning in 5.

 

New York Rangers (1 seed: 53-22-7) vs Pittsburgh Penguins (4 seed: 43-27-12)

 

The Pens are not a very good team, but they have the best player in the NHL, Sidney Crosby, and Evgeni Malkin, so they're going to win games. That's just a given. They might even win a few in this series. However, the Rangers have Rick Nash and Henrik Lundvquist, one of, if not the best, goaltender, in the league. If Henrik can keep Crosby and Malkin in check, this series is over quickly. If Crosby gets hot, who knows. He's a once in a lifetime talent and watching him with the puck is something special. I want the Rangers to lose because Jimmy Hayes was a Blackhawks draft pick who decided he didn't want to play for them and is now tearing it up in New York. Screw you, Jimmy, but your team moves on.

 

Rangers in 6.

 

Washington Capitals (2 seed: 45-26-11) vs New York Islanders (3 seed:47-28-7)

 

Here's where the stupidity of the NHL's “loser point” comes into play. The Isles won two more games in regulation, but lost LESS in overtime than the Caps, what does that mean? The Caps have a higher seed. Uh huh. What the hell is that all about? The shootout sucks enough, but the fact that losing in it is worth a point is awful. Anyway, the Isles have a lot of young talent because they sucked forever and got to draft high a lot. John Tavares is one of the elite players in the league and, my boy, Nick Leddy, cast aside by the Blackhawks due to their ever growing cap issues, is having a career year. Because of course he is. The Caps have the second best player in the league in Alexander Ovechkin. The guy scores goals like it's his job. Wait... I guess that doesn't really work here, but if you need a goal scored to save your life and you can choose anyone, pick him. He's great. I'm not sure why you would be in that situation, but I like the thought of it. “Help! I've been kidnapped by aliens” “No one can hear you! The only chance you have is having a hockey player score a goal on 'Save-o-Bot' and no one can do that!” “I choose Alexander Ovechkin!” “Noooooooo!” Something like that anyway.

 

Caps in 6, although I want both teams to win... Somehow.
 

Vancouver Canucks (2 seed: 48-29-5) vs Calgary Flames (3 seed: 45-30-7)

 

Calgary should be awful. They lost their best player, Mark Giordano, and have dreadful possession numbers, yet they keep winning. I have no idea how this is possible. They aren't a very good team, but here we are. The Canucks, on the other hand, seem to be kind of getting disregarded. 48 wins is 48 wins. You could write the same thing about them every year: The Sedins are spooky, but great and the goaltending is iffy. They signed Ryan Miller, but last year, the St. Louis Blues signed Miller and they promptly got beat in the first round of the playoffs by the greatest team in the world. This matchup only interests me more than the others because a) it's two Canadian teams and b) they're in the Western Conference and could eventually play the Hawks.

 

Canucks in 5.

 

Montreal Canadiens (1 seed: 50-22-10) vs Ottawa Senators (4 seed: 43-26-13)

 

Remember last paragraph when we were talking about two Canadian teams and how that made that series? Well this one has that going for it and then some. Carey Price is the other best goalie in the league. He's almost single handedly carried this Canadiens team to where they are now. Speaking of goalies carrying their teams, the Sens have a goalie by the name of Andrew Hammond who has been playing absolutely out of his mind. He's a total unknown, playing the best hockey of his life, trying to carry it into the playoffs and keep his team going. I love anything involving people's irrational hate for P.K. Subban and Ottawa's Mark Stone has been unbelievable down the stretch. This is the only Eastern conference series I really care about.

 

My brain says Canadiens in 6, but my heart says Sens in 7!

 

Anaheim Ducks (1 seed:51-24-7) vs Winnipeg Jets (4 seed: 43-26-13)

 

Now we're getting somewhere. The Ducks are a very good team, but the stats show that they've also been a very lucky team. They were 33-1-7 in one goal games this year! That is beyond insane. I don't know how that could possibly keep up. Plus, their starting goalie is injured. On the other side, we have the Winnipeg Jets. I grew up in Grand Forks and always wanted to move to Winnipeg. Why? No idea. Propagandhi lives there and Comeback Kid is from there. Maybe that's why. But the Jets were ripped from Winnipeg back in 1995 and they deserve to see the playoffs up there. Hell, they deserve to see a successful round 1, plus, I love Byfuglien, Ladd, Frolik, all the old Hawks, so what am I going to do for the Jets? Picking the Ducks! That'll help them out for sure as I have no idea what i'm doing.

 

Ducks in 6.

 

St. Louis Blues (1 seed: 51-24-7) vs Minnesota Wild (4 seed: 46-28-8)

 

This is going to be a great series. Probably the best one of the bunch, if I'm being honest. I absolutely hate the Blues and have for years. They've been the Blackhawks' biggest rival since back when hockey was a way more fun bloodsport and they're an easy team to hate. Backes, Jackman, Steve fucking Ott? If you can't find a reason to hate the Blues, you're way too nice of a person. On the other hand, I absolutely hate the Wild and have for years. They're the closest team to me, so every bandwagon doucher hops on around this time and tells me how good the Wild are. You don't know anything about hockey, you aren't going to watch the games, pipe the fart down. Ideally, this game would be the landing spot for the inevitable comet that brings our doom with it. I hate both these teams. I just want it to go 7 games and be a punishing affair, which it should.

 

Blues in 5. (Suck it, Wild “fans”)

 

Nashville Predators (2 seed: 47-25-10) vs YOUR Chicago Blackhawks!!! (3 seed: 48-28-6)

 

If you're paying attention, you'll notice the Hawks have more wins, yet fewer points and thus are the lower seed. Why? Because the NHL is awful. Hockey is great, the NHL is actively trying to ruin it. But that's another topic for another day. YOUR Chicago Blackhawks are a team on the brink of something awful. They've had to get rid of many valuable players because of cap restrictions and many of them are playing vital roles in these playoffs. Ladd, Byfuglien, Frolik, Leddy, Hayes, Versteeg... Oh, shit. Versteeg is back with the Hawks? You wouldn't know it with how he's been playing lately. Patrick Kane is back and that's huge. If he's back 100%, this is a whole different ball game. He was leading the NHL in points before he broke his collarbone and he's a truly electric player. That afformentioned cap problem is only going to get worse next year though and the changes will be swift and severe. The Predators have some really great players, too. Shea Weber is great, but has a stupid name. Thanks, Mrs. Weber. Pekka Rinne is great and has an awesome name. Mike Fisher is married to Carrie Underwood, so I feel like he should lose everything else by default because, come on, he's banging Carrie Underwood! What more does he need?!

 

Hawks in 6. Fuck the Preds and Mr. Underwood.